Two Pink Lines

It's funny how two little pinks lines can mean the culmination of years of planning and dreaming and praying and also be the realization of every fear you ever had about trying to have a baby.

We were married on October 2006 after dating for four years. we knew we want to start trying to get pregnant right away. I'm 35 so the clock is ticking...so I stopped the pill right after the honeymoon. I know some of you TTC folks will be a little peeved that we got prego after only 5 months and it wasn't like we were doing it like rabbits either. Although someone did loan us a bunny plaque for good luck.

I had a sneaky suspicion something was up that week anyway so I told Jamie that if I didn't start by the weekend I would take a test on Sunday. I've taken several in the past 5 months in the hopes that we were but this time it was almost a confirmation of what I already knew. Some people say you just know and I guess I did. I mean I sent food back at a restaurant and I NEVER do that. I mean I love food...a lot! So I took the test and there they were the two little lines. I peed on the stick and walked away for a few minutes not being able to bear to watch the one line appear and not the second. I wish I had stayed to watch...maybe the shock would not have been as great. Jamie followed me into the bathroom to check the results.

"what is it?" he asked
I showed him the test "two lines means pregnant!" and I burst into tears. Sobs even. I haven't cried that hard since I found out my Dad had a stroke.
"these are happy tears right?" he asked
"yeeesss" I replied rather tearfully

We hugged. I tried to compose myself then ran to the phone to call my Parents and sister.
(Side note - my parents divorced when I was young and mom married a nice guy named Stoney. My other Dad is now widowed and living with my Aunt and Uncle. Dad has aphasia from his stroke. He can't talk very well which is why I didn't call him.)

My sister answered the phone.
"i'm pregnant" I sob, bursting into tears again.
"who is this?" she asked
"it's your sister!"
I can't remember what happened after that. My mom was on the phone by then and then Stoney was there congratulating me. They were all so happy.
"don't tell anyone" i say
"can I tell Matthew?" asked my sister. Matthew is her fiance.
"sure I said"
She called back 15 minutes later "this isn't some cruel April Fool's joke is it?"
"no! wasn't I crying?" I said.
Who can blame her it was April Fool's Day.

I wouldn't let them tell anyone else. There's an old wives tale that it's bad luck to tell you are pregnant until the 2nd trimester. Mainly because most miscarriages happen in the first 3 months of pregnancy. A good friend of mine just went through something similar. A lot of people knew she was pregnant and when she lost the baby and all those people had to be told. I can't go through that...not again.

***SPOILER ALERT***
I caution you not to read the following lest you find out things about me and my past you would rather not know. Also I talk about some pretty grody lady stuff.

Jamie is not my first husband, in fact he is my 3rd. By far the best man I have ever dated, married, maybe even known. My parents love him, all my friends love him. Everyone loves him. That cannot be said of the first two.

We call them Shithead and Cockface. We used to call them Shithead1 and Shithead2 but Jamie says they were unique individuals and deserve their own names. Jamie came up with Cockface. Anyway...I learned very soon in the marriage to Cockface that I had made a mistake and I definitely didn't want to have kids with him. I stayed on the pill the whole marriage.

Shithead on the other hand was my first. I was a virgin before him. We used condoms for protection. I had never even been to a gynecologist so I wasn't on the pill. I had pretty bad periods back then. Heavy bleeding and very bad cramps. My periods lasted for 7 days at least. This time was no different except I was pretty nauseous that day. I even tried to throw up a few times but nothing came up. Finally I went home sick from work. I was out of pads having gone through and entire package that cycle.

Shithead was still at work and my cramping was too bad to go to the store myself. So I laid on the bed with a washcloth between my legs waiting for him to get home. I called my cousin Alicia and chatted with her until Shithead got home from work. He refused to go the store and buy pads. So he drove me to grocery store behind our apartment. We went inside...I went for the pad aisle and he went for the pain medication aisle. I got sick and ran to the bathroom almost threw up on the attendant cleaning the bathrooms. We got home and Shithead called the doctor who said to bring me in immediately.

Once there I received my first pelvic exam while I puked in a trash can over the side of the exam table. He said I might be having a miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant. We drove to the hospital and checked in. Once in the room Shithead left to go home and call my parents. On the way he stopped by our church and let them know what was going on.

Meanwhile I'm in the bathroom changing into my hospital gown. I asked the nurse for a pad, she brings me one. When I open it I can't figure out how to use it. There is no adhesive. I'm on the toilet trying to figure out what to do with the damn thing when one of the ladies from our church comes into the room. I call out from the bathroom. She asks if there is anything I need. I ask for a nurse. Nurse comes in I burst into tears and ask how to use the pad. She asks if I want a belt or some underwear. A belt? Are you kidding me? These people are still using belts? I ask for underwear.

Fast Forward...doctors come and go. I get several more exams down there and then a nurse shows up to insert a catheter. They take me to radiology for a sonogram or something. At some point someone took blood for a pregnancy test. They fill my bladder and clamp off the catheter. The sonogram begins. A woman runs the machine running that thing over my belly and doing what ever it is they do. A man walks in and looks at the monitor. No one speaks to me. The man asks "was the test positive?" the woman says "yes". That's how I found out I was pregnant. No one even tells me...I just over hear it.

They let go of my bladder and take me back to my room. In the time it takes to wheel me back, I go through all the emotions one has upon finding out this wonderful news. I think it's a girl. I hope it lives.

Stuff happens...it's all a blur. They get me ready for surgery, put me on a gurney and take me to the operating room. An orderly or something is there to make sure I am ok. He looks like Harry Connick, Jr. and had a nice smile. He brings me a blanket from the blanket warmer. It is nice an toasty. They wheel me in to surgery. I think 'shouldn't I already be asleep?' Nurses are dashing around the OR. Whipping blue towels off of gleaming silver instruments. One uncovers a bowl that I know part of me will soon be laying in. I know this because at some point they explained that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. My embryo got caught in my tube and began to develop eventually rupturing the tube and killing itself.

They strap me down. I begin to get a little freaked out as I don't remember seeing this 'strapping down' part in the movies or on TV. The anesthesiologists says "count down from 100" and places a mask on my face. I get to 98. I wake up with a nurse pulling socks on to my feet and talking to me. After I wake up they wheel me back to my room. Mom and Stoney are there having made the 3 hour trip from Atlanta to where I was in record time. Once they see I am OK they return home and promise to come back on the weekend. My friend Alison stays in the hospital with me that night sitting on the floor reading magazines just being there in case I needed her.

And Shithead, well he would visit but claimed he didn't feel comfortable in hospitals. Once he left before visiting hours were over so he could get home in time to watch Sienfeld. Yeah he was a jerk and I knew it. I would find out later that he was having an affair with one of his co-workers at Wal-Mart. She was in high school and 10 years younger than us. I heard her parents grounded her and forbade her from seeing Him because he was married. I could tell you alot of stuff he did that made him a jerk, a shithead. I'm pretty sure he left that night claiming he was going to watch Sienfeld when really we was going to met up with that girl. It's ok though cause they both got what was coming to them in the end. But that's another story.

One day while I was in the hospital recovering, a lady friend of mine stopped by with a little gift. It was a Precious Moments ornament in the shape of a little bell. I don't remember what it says on it, I read it once and couldn't bear to read it again. Every year I would put it on my Christmas tree. She talked to me that day about God's plan and stuff like that, she was a minister of some sort. I could only nod and cry a little. I wasn't really sure how I felt at that point.

Now I know I dodge a bullet. God really does have a plan and things really do happen for a reason. If I had that baby I would have been tied to that man for the rest of my life. God loves me too much to put me through that. I know he meant for me and Jamie to find each other eventually. I couldn't love anyone as much as I love him. And I couldn't be happier than I am right now carrying his child.