Worst Case Scenario

Have you seen those books?? Some of them are pretty funny. Very good practical advise for what ever situation you find yourself in. All except mine...trust me I looked. Perhaps I am being over dramatic.

Last week we had our regular appointment - we are now having check ups every two weeks. We had a lovely visit with Dr. S and went over the results of the ultrasound. Dr. S recommended that we go ahead and schedule our c-section to be sure we got it booked when we wanted. She pointed out that we can always cancel the surgery if the previa resolves and we go natural. It made sense so we got the ball rolling.

I got a call from them two days later with my surgery date - November 28th at noon and guess who is on call that day and will be performing the surgery? THAT WOMAN! The one doctor in the whole practice that we can't stand. So not only would I be essentially forced in to a surgery I never wanted but I would then have this procedure done by a total bitch. And I have to PAY HER !!!

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Ok so that may have been the hormones talking.....

I know a lot of people who have had c-sections and they really dig them. They say it's the easiest way to have a baby. You know when it's coming and you have time to prepare. This is true but you also have time to sit and tick away the minutes until that time and be all nervous and stuff. It makes my stomach jumpy like right before you go on vacation or something. Knowing the time and place is really not helping me feel better. Surgery scares me (see the first post for a detailed description of my first surgery experience) and watching ER and House doesn't help me feel any better about it. Complications happen in surgery and hordes of people will get to hold my baby before I do - now how fair is that?

Having this child naturally is very important to me. I'm not sure if I will ever get another chance to be pregnant and give birth. Liam may be an only child. I know that the end result - a healthy mom and baby is what matters most but I've always been of the mind that the journey makes you who you are and this is a trip I really wanted to take. Anyone who knows me, especially anyone who grew up with me knows that all I ever wanted to do was to get married and have kids. That was my goal. I didn't go to college and I don't have a career. I've been living life waiting for these precious few moments to happen.

This is what our female bodies were designed to do - make babies. I want to experience all that goes into that process even birth. I've been reading all these RAH! RAH! Natural Child Birth books and it really has me siked to experience the whole deal even the pain. They don't call it labor for nothing and I feel like I can take it. I feel like after spending 9 months making the baby, to just lay down and let someone else take over is a cop out.

I know the decision hasn't been made yet so I shouldn't worry to much about it. But this is just how I feel.