Stepping Into Psycho

I am over it. What am I over...everything. I have reached the point now where I could give a crap about anything but having this baby. I'm big, hungry, sleepy and have indigestion. People need to just realize that nothing matters right now but me and my unborn child. Unfortunately every one has their own problems and concerns to deal with and I just can't expect everyone to cater to me. I get that but damn! Sometimes it is hard not to go ballistic on someone, especially at work.

Speaking of which a coworker sent me this funny story about another woman who wanted to be catered to. I gotta tell you sometimes i feel like the employee in this story and sometimes feel like the"jelly lady". WARNING - there are some curse words in this story.

this happened when i was a wee lad, around the age of 15-16 or so... but... this will be the story of how i got fired from my job at mcdonald's because of some raging wench...

now... some of you may know me to be rather blunt... an "asshole" if you will... so let me know if i'm out of line (i'm sure i am, i usually am...)

it was about 12 PM... 2 hours after breakfast has stopped being served for the day... a woman came through the drivethrough, and proceeded to order her food... (i don't remember what she ordered exactly or everything word for word, but i'll give examples that will be remotely similar, so that you get the idea...)



me: hello, welcome to mcdonald's, can i take your order?

woman: hi, i'll have 2 cheeseburgers, a diet coke, 2 hashbrowns, and a couple packs of jelly...

*woman instantly drives away from the window amidst a long line of cars while i try, helplessly, to inform her that breakfast is no longer being served...*

*she gets to the window after a few minutes of me handing food to the other cars and taking their money and relentlessly gouging out my eyes over the monotony of it all...*

me: i'm sorry, we are actually no longer serving food from the breakfast menu, can i get you something other than hashbrowns?

woman: no, i would like hashbrowns, i can pull forward and wait while they drop a few in the fryer, that's not a problem...

me: i'm sorry, but we can't serve items from the breakfast menu after 10PM...

woman: when did that start? i've never heard of mcdonald's not serving a customer food because it was the wrong time of day...

me: it's been that way since the first mcdonald's was built ma'am...

woman: *twitch* Ma'am?! how old do i look to you?!

me: ma'am, may i get you something other than hashbrowns?

woman: no! i want hashbrowns!

*meanwhile there is a long line of cars building ever further behind hers...*

me: we can't serve hashbrowns at this time of the day

woman: yes you can, just have them throw a few in the fryer and i will wait...

me: they don't have them out anymore, all of the breakfast food has been put back into the cooler... in the back... and we're busy, and i doubt anyone wants to walk into the back while we are all busy with what we are doing...

woman: *twitch* i'm trying to be polite... i just want hashbrowns... walk in the back and get a couple of hashbrowns and throw them in the fryer...

me: i'm sorry ma'am... but we aren't serving breakfast right now...

woman: what the fu*k... fine... god dam*it... *punches roof of her car and screams* give me 2 small fries instead then... but i was REALLY in the mood for some hashbrowns... this is ridiculous...

me: *annoyed and beginning to no doubt sound a bit condescending* thanks... but just so you realize, it would be cheaper to order a large fry instead of two small fries... and you would probably get more fries that way...

woman: are you telling me that i need more fries or that i need to save money?

me: no ma'am... i'm just trying to help you out a bit after we couldn't satisfy your craving for some hashbrowns...

woman: *twitch* get me... my... fucking food...

me: *punching buttons* ok, total comes to 5.49...

woman: *hands me 5.50* keep the penny

me: oh, thank you! *clutches penny*

woman: *twitch*

*hand the woman her food after about a minute or so of waiting, and she speeds off like the green light just lit on the tree*

me: *under breath* wow

*at the point, that same lady comes storming into the store, demanding to see me and a manager*

me: *sigh*

manager: yes ma'am? what is the problem?

enraged woman: i just came through the drivethrough and this little asshole *points at me with her witches glob of a finger* totally fucked up my order!

manager: i'm sorry ma'am, i'm sure we can correct that for you...

enraged woman: he fucking did it on purpose... i know it!

manager: i'm sure he didn't do it on purpose... tell me what the problem is, and i'll make sure it gets corrected...

*meanwhile i'm leaning against the counter now, just watching how this will unfold... no doubt with a smirk on my face, as i am entertained thinking how my manager is going to handle this woman...*

*woman start pulling the food out of her bag and sitting it on the counter for my manager to see...*

enraged woman: i ordered 2 cheeseburgers, a diet coke, 2 hashbrowns, and a couple packs of jelly... and that is not what i got... i have 2 small orders of french fries and NO JELLY!

*manager shoots me a puzzled look, and my face obviously gives him no assistance in the matter...*

manager: i'm sorry, we can not serve breakfast food after 10PM

me: *laugh quietly to myself*

enraged woman: *glares at me* he already told me that... and i'm fine with the god damned french fries... it's not what i fucking wanted, but it'll have to fucking do, since you won't fucking give me what the hell i really want... i should have just gone to burger king or somewhere that doesn't treat their customers like shit... and i will next time...

manager: ok, then what is the problem?

enraged woman: do you see any jelly in this bag?! i don't see any fucking jelly in this bag...

*i am hopelessly confused now, as i can't grasp what the hell she could need jelly for... cheeseburgers + jelly = gross... diet coke + jelly = makes no sense... hashbrowns + jelly = weird but understandable, but she doesn't have any hashbrowns, so mute point there... french fries + jelly = what?!
and to any of you non-americans reading this... jelly is jam... like the fruit spread that you put on toast or something similar and is generally referred to as a breakfast condiment here in the states...*

manager: *turns to me* can you get her some jelly...

me: odd, but sure...

woman: *twitch*

me: *look down under the counter in the other condiment bins such as ketchup packets, sweet and sour sauce, and barbecue for about 30 seconds... only to realize that we only have the jelly bin out for the breakfast menu, and then it goes back in the back in the cooler with the rest of the breakfast food... (think to myself, this is gonna go over well)

me: i'm sorry, but the jelly is part of the breakfast menu, and it doesn't look like we have it out anymore... it's probably back in the cooler with the rest of the breakfast food...

woman: *totally snaps* a jingle fuck... simon teller jackrabbit... sip on milk, tiny tim asshole... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

me: */boggle*

manager: *turns to me* can you run into the cooler and get her some jelly?

me: what?! no... it's on the breakfast menu and there's like 900 cars in line in the drive through...

manager: *getting angry* just go in the back and get her some jelly packs...

me: ... no... that's retarded... we tell her "no" to the hash browns because it's on the breakfast menu, as is the jelly, such that the answer to one becomes the answer to the other as well...

manager: *severely annoyed now* just go back in the cooler and get her some jelly!

me: you want me to get her some hashbrowns too while i'm back there?!

woman: *still snapped* oh my god you little what the god damnit jesus christ all god damned dick whore... i am going to slit your throat with my straw wrapper!!!

manager: go!

me: no!

woman: *interjects because it seems that she's had an epiphany* how in the hell am i supposed to eat my fries without jelly?!

me: *confuddled* what?!

manager: go! jelly! go!

me: god damnit... this is fucking stupid... you go get her some jelly, then...

manager: go home Kyle... i think you need a break... we'll talk about this tomorrow...

woman: *seemingly satisfied...* thank you for correcting this issue...

manager: no problem, is there anything else i can help you with?

woman: nope, just grab me some jelly, and i'll be out the door...

manager: *turns to me* before you leave, grab her some jelly... and i'll talk to you about this tomorrow...

me: fuck you douschbag... you get her fucking jelly... i'm outta here...

manager: don't bother coming in tomorrow then, you're fired!

me: *laughs* fuck you... *walks out*




the next day he called me and told me to bring my uniform back in and drop it off... and i told him no... don't know what i did with it though... i might still have it somewhere...


*edit* funny thing is... i still sometimes snap over this... i'll be sittin' around with the girlfriend and i'll suddenly just get pissed and start bitchin' about the "jelly lady"

Under Pressure

Yes, I am feeling it now! Liam has been head down for some time now but this week I have really been feeling him pressing down on my bottom parts. It's a little painful at times but mostly is just an uncomfortable feeling.

I'm in the bathroom more and because he is on my bladder so much I have to shift around to get him off my urethra so I can empty my bladder completely. Also because if his increased presence down there my bowels feel full all the time too. Luckily I have not had any constipation during my pregnancy. I guess the fiber tablets and prunes are really doing the trick.

I've been feeling pretty good up to now and pretty proud of myself for having such a good pregnancy. Some people really have a hard time being pregnant and I feel like one of the lucky ones that don't feel miserable all the time. This week has shown me a glimpse of how truly uncomfortable this can get and with each new ache, pain or twinge my temper gets shorter and shorter. I am also getting more tired. It's hard to get through the day with out craving a nap. I am really wiped out by the time we get home from work. It's a good thing we only have 4 more weeks to go.

That's right! 4 more weeks.

The Fast and the Furious

Ever since I got the go ahead for natural childbirth I have been obsessed with the signs of labor and such. Ask my friends and family and they will tell you I have been drilling them with questions about Braxton Hicks, contractions, mucus plugs and breaking water. I am sure I will recognize the signs once they arrive but its makes me feel better to ask questions. It makes me feel like I am doing something rather than just sitting here waiting for the fruit to ripen.

So while we are all waiting, here are two stories to illustrate that the baby comes when the baby is ready.

My cousin, Alina, had gestational diabetes during her 2nd pregnancy and as a result once the baby was far enough along they decided to induce. Well she and her husband check into the hospital the night before so they could be ready bright and early to start the induction. At some point that night she began to feel some pain and the nurse were letting her have pain meds and get in the tub to help ease them. Some time late that night she wanted more meds so she sent her husband to get the nurse. The nurse came into check her to see if she was dilated or something to that effect. When she lifted up the sheet the baby was crowning. The nurse freaked out because she was just a floor nurse not a labor and delivery nurse. Alina says at that point the baby just 'shot out' on to the bed. Everyone was pretty shocked it had happened so fast.

Not to be out done.... My cousin Jason and his wife were expecting their third girl on November 11th. She had been feeling some contractions early Saturday morning, the 10th but by noonish
they had gone away. Feeling like they were close to delivery, they started making arrangements for their two other girls to be cared for in case they needed to got to the hospital that night. Jason left the house with both little girls to run a last minute errand. On his way back home he gets a call from his wife, the contractions have started again and he needs to get home NOW! Jason arrives, unloads the girls and goes to get his wife ready to leave for the hospital. He's trying to call the doctor at the same time to let them know they are on the way. He finds his wife in the bathroom. She take a step towards him and says "You are going to have to catch this baby." He drops the phone and catches the baby. Jason says the whole thing took about 3 minutes. By this time the doctor is on the line coaching him through the delivery of the placenta. EMTs show up soon there after, clamped off the cord and give them a ride to the hospital.
Jason said "I don't know why we need to go to the hospital after I did all the work!"

So at this point to one up each of them I would have to give birth in my car or on my desk at work. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

Final Ultrasound

We went in for our final ultrasound on Monday the 5th. This was it people - the day we found out of my guts were going to be spread out all over some operating table in Cobb WellStar Hospital. God answered our prayers, the previa had resolved and moved so far up the doctor couldn't even see it because Liam was in the way.

NO C-SECTION! WHOO HOO!

Mom and Jamie were both with me at the appointment. We learned several things that day:

1. No c-section
2. The baby's head is down, way down
3. He is still big
4. He is still a 'he'

Let's take each of these points one by one shall we?

1) No C-Section - With the resolution of the previa we are no longer on 'pelvic restriction' and we could once again resume marital relations. Just in time for me to get so big I can hardly walk much less want to be bounced around in the throws of passion. Another good thing about being off restriction is that now I can be examined internally to see if i am dilating. While I am not siked about having people poke around in there, it would be nice to know if I am progressing towards labor.
2) The Baby's Head is Down - This means he is in the correct position to be born. The doctor was all "Wow he is really down there. Are you feeling any pressure?" On my bladder? Yes, yes I am. The baby being int he head down position is good because it's a sign that he is getting ready to be born.
3) The baby is still big. The ultrasound tech took some measurements during her exam and declared Liam to be 7lbs 14 oz. Yikes! During the exam by the doctor he declared Liam to be 7lbs 1oz. Now this in on the same day so it tell you how much of an approximation this really is. The Doctor even said the margin of error at this stage is plus or minus 1 pound. Still he indicated that the weight was increasing as it should and he would probably be in the up 95% of size. Lord help me for wanting natural child birth.
4) He is still a boy. This is important because I have known some people who were told they were having a boy and it was really a girl. You can't imagine how much stuff we have in blue right now. And since I have already washed everything...I can't take it back.

So that 's the latest update. I hope you are enjoying the journey.